I made this during the height of covid, when it was impossible to see people. An odd blessing for me since I have mixed views of the human race most days. I still missed others but understood the dangers thanks to a boyfriend who researched… like his life might depend on it. It’s actually kind of annoying, this work has aspects that are involved in my life right now. I think about this painting and look forward to when it’s gone, a piece of my soul set free. I had a few rules for myself when this started. Firstly, I would be using the colors red and green. Secondly, lots of painter’s tape would be used and I needed to make sure it didn’t accidentally turn into a cross (which had happened in the past).
I’m kind of proud of how this was planned out. It’s a combination of wild self consciousness growing on a framework of great composition. To start with, painter’s tape is awesome because you can cut off parts of the image without worrying about ruining it. This meant I could do messy things like bleed paints up and down the canvas. It also made creating straight, clean lines so much easier. Do you guys understand how stable a hand I need for things? A sight wiggle could throw everything off! Coffee must be limited farther into the process. The tape made blocking my colors and shapes faster. This meant bigger brushes could be used more often; a must earlier in a painting project. With so many patterns, bold lines were needed to separate parts of the whole otherwise it could end up crowded. It works really well with my own aesthetic, I'm all for the edge of bold black lines and shapes guiding the image.
I’m very fond of using black to cut my canvas into shapes, it’s like, everything I make oozes femininity and positivity but I’m more than that. I also love morbid humor, pointy things, video games, and brooding over things while looking out windows with my dog. The darkness adds this kind of offness I enjoy, it speaks to my duality of softness and sharpness. It’s become even more fun lately since I know of the existence of notan. For people who do not know what that is, Notan is about balancing the negative and positive (darkness and light) space in all kinds of art. I found a book on it which I lost and had to buy from the library, and then found again as is the magic spell. Can’t complain too much, it was a cheap book and entirely useful.
This painting is visually aligned towards the center, this means people’s eyes look to the inner part and can end up mentally blurring out the sides. Completely fine with me, it was planned for. Everything on the outside is loose, bigger strokes with no meaning other than to support the inside. That being said, the lighthouse and flowers (and lemon leaf things?) at its base are done in small brushes meaning there is increasing detail towards the center. This is where the soul of the painting is and I continue to bring eyes in by darkening the outsides of the canvas and adding more light to its center. Hey Hedwiga, what is going on with those lemon things? It’s abstract art friend, don’t think too hard about it. This was never about realism, the flowers are simply made so I could create lots of them. The lemons are leaves! I wanted room for interpretation, and imagination.
I wanted to make a lighthouse of a rainbow goddess but that’s a little hard with two colors. It soon became apparent this was taking on more of a romantic vibe; I kept rolling with it. My creations are like pieces of my soul, a weird way of putting it but they’re made from wishes, ideas, and truths I do not know. It wasn’t possible to be with friends at the time. Again, an odd blessing since I struggle to keep in contact with others; too much interest in a plethora of other things. There was definitely a heavy dose of isolation at the time. I’m not always the most expressive verbally, so there’s usually lots of quiet things in my head that people do not know, one of them is all the love in my heart. That’s when I realized what this was about, I wanted to be a beacon of love, a light for people and a sign of safety. I get the impression it would be embarrassing and confusing to express to someone. Some things you need to feel and can’t be put into words. It’s why I like art so much, gotta say something somehow.
My ideas of love, that is what this is about after all. I’ve had lots of time to contemplate the subject and yet never enough! This is a broad topic, everyone loves differently, most ways are not wrong (example: please do not make love with the deceased, it is illegal and frowned upon). There is a lot of love in my heart for all kinds of things but right now I'm focused on people. There’s a PG version for close friends which includes feelings of peace, acceptance, excitement, 100% care about your feelings and metaphorical soul. I want to care for them and make sure they wear sunscreen. There is also romantic love, like between me and my boyfriend, a combination of everything for my close friends and completeness, admiration, trust, and lust of course. Lastly, the light version for most friends where I’m curious to know more about their interests and life, delighted by the attention, but really struggling to say anything about my prickly emotions or deep worries. Wait a sec, I struggle with that for anyone but people who casually know me will know next to nothing about the true vibrancy of my character.
I’ve always been a whimsical creature with lots of oddities. Liking to paint helped because I could huddle under the mask of an eccentric artist, now no one can question my odd behaviors! I am infallible! Incomprehensible! Free to act as I choose! Though I do have a genius cover for my actions, it still doesn’t always rub people the right way. This is completely ok! I have no illusions of pleasing everyone nor do I plan to if it means being unspeakably bored. For this reason, I was often kicked out of friend groups for being too weird and hounded endlessly for not acting like others. Being pushed away still hurts though, even with sound logic. For this reason I did end up researching the workings of human communications, to minimize the possibilities. I wanted to be a better person for the people that did stick around. I became obsessed with how people mingled and lived their lives. The more I knew, the more understandable and exciting those around me became and the safer I felt. Caring for others became a weird way of doing the same for myself.
I know something in my heart, a soft place that wanted to understand, that knows what it was like to feel alone, trapped in a lighthouse. I want the people around me to feel loved and safe because that’s what every human being deserves. This painting is my way of expressing my desire to be full of love, even in dark times of loneliness when it’s not possible to be with others.